Productivity, Fear, and Change

Hello everyone! Sorry that I haven’t posted since August. I kind of want to address why in today’s post, and not so much with any specific examples or excuses and more unpacking the underlying issues.

Those of you who know me know that I have a love/hate relationship with productivity and other related areas like organization. Every now and then I will do house work for seven or eight hours straight, other days I’ll stare at a sink full of dishes and my brain will work out some perfectly reasonable vindication to put off doing them… much to the boyfriend’s chagrin.

I’ve also lately been thinking a lot on various creative projects I want to do. You know the saying that when it rains, it pours? That’s been my brain lately and creative projects. I want to revive my video game podcast, I want to continue to run more video game tournaments for my increasingly growing group of online gaming friends and maintain the website and scheduling tied to it, I want to start a YouTube channel (though I have no idea what about, ideas welcome), I want to see if I can teach myself graphic design and photoshop so complement my web building skills, something that truly terrifies me because I’ve never been very visually creative.

On top of all of this, the one thing that I’m moving forward on is that I’m going to be a writer, assuming everything pans out, for Pride PAC and their new blog. More info on that as it comes! 🙂

All of these ideas in my head, and no real barriers to doing any of them, and yet… day after day goes past, and the ideas get more and more numerous and my routine stays the same.

I am a creature of habit and necessity. I’ve always had the same problem, and it lives near the ever elusive realm of procrastination. In school I would often do my huge projects in some epic all-nighter but the finished product would still be high quality.  The problem is I’m still dealing with the why. I mean, I can’t say that it’s just delayed gratification, because I get an odd sense of relaxation and accomplishment from doing tasks like ironing or doing the dishes. In fact it’s often while doing these activities that I get some really great creative thinking accomplished and a bearing on life.

Part of the reason is a weird sense of priority. My brain tells me, “Trent, you can’t start a podcast when you haven’t folded your laundry from yesterday yet, go do that, or at least clean your kitchen or something.

I had an epiphany today while watching YouTube videos on self empowerment and productivity (yean, yeah, I know, definition of irony right there): I realized there was another big component to putting off starting these ideas is fear… and not even a fear of failing though that is certainly a part of it.

I’m kind of afraid of succeeding and what it would mean for my life. I’m not the biggest fan of change and things messing up my routine, what if I end up doing one of these things so well that it becomes a much bigger part of my life and causes some big changes? World knows I have had enough major changes in the last few years between dropping out of school, leaving the LDS church, coming out, getting a career that I’m super proud of, meeting and falling for my awesome boyfriend, all the while trying to maintain relationships with the important people in my life.

That was the second part of my epiphany though! It’s why I also felt inspired to write here for the first time in four months. Change is terrifying and frightening and sometimes painful and usually stressful, but change can also be incredible! I wouldn’t trade my current life for anything, certainly not what my life used to be. My life is a thousand times more awesome than it used to be, and I have those sometimes painful moments of change to thank for it.

These two epiphanies received and processed in tandem today have given me the motivation to move forward and to continue changing. Life is a journey and while there are rest stops here and there, you don’t arrive at any finish lines until you die, and I have so much to do before then and I ain’t getting any younger, also as the boyfriend likes to remind me. (Completely unrelated side note, join me in mourning that spell check didn’t flinch at ‘ain’t’…) I certainly won’t change my life by not being productive and motivated.

So, here’s to new projects, productivity, change, healthy fear, and tackling new goals!

– Trent (Neznem)


2 thoughts on “Productivity, Fear, and Change

  1. I think you are also a bit of a perfectionist which contributes to the procrastination. I know that I have that problem… I want it to be perfect, but if I don’t start, I won’t finish and it still has the potential to be perfect, and if I start and it’s not perfect I am a failure, so I procrastinate as to not be a failure. (See the irony!)

  2. We all have those moments when we realize that it is *me* that is holding me back. I think it is great that you have realized that you are at that point, and understanding the underlying *why* of that!

    I can’t wait to see what you do next! I’m going back to school in a month, at 37 and I have been fighting against the dual fear of failure and success. I realized that no matter what happens next, is up to me. I realized that I will create the life I feel I deserve. When I hear your voice in this post, I hear you saying that there is more that you are ready to create in your life, because you know that you deserve it!

    I can’t wait to see what is next!

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